What a scary looking label!
Trauma Bond...makes it feel like you're broken or weak in some way doesn't it? Why would anyone want to identify themselves with it? Here's the thing, if you're in denial, you can never take the first step in healing the trauma. You won't be able to break the bond that's tying you down or holding you back. But in some cases, you don't even know you're stuck in it. Sometimes you come across a story that someone's sharing and a light bulb turns on and you say to yourself, "that sounds like me!" This is how we start to loosen that knot and eventually break free from the pain that could potentially kill you. The problem is that our brain changes through abuse and you can literally become addicted to the abuse and/or the abuser. I know, it's sick but it's an actual fact. So never ever ask someone who's in an abusive relationship why they can't or won't leave? Most likely, they are struggling daily with the same questions you're asking.
In most cases, the signs of trauma bond is subtle, making it very difficult to recognize that it's happening to you until it's too late. Our brains get so used to the trauma that it becomes addicted to these interactions, good or bad. If you consider yourself codependent in any relationship, not only will you stay but you'll also try everything in your power to avoid conflict or displeasing your partner. Through experiences and many stories from my coaching practice I've found that if you have a healthy relationship with boundaries you would not stay in such toxic spaces for as long as you have. If you find yourself making excuses or defending your abuser, take a step back, realize that YOU are enabling their behavior and hurting YOU at the same time. BUT...the most important thing that you need to take from this article is that YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE for his/her actions, behaviors, cruelty, toxic choices, abuse or manipulation. They need to work on those issues themselves but you need to learn to remove yourself from these toxic situations.
There are hundreds of signs to help you identify if you are a trauma bond codependent. Below you will see the top 5 that I've seen most in my practice. Please seek help from friends and family if you feel stuck but please seek professional help if you fear for your life. Sending you love, happiness and inner peace.
1) "Please stay, I promise I'll change"- The #1 manipulating phrase you'll hear from someone who has no intentions of changing but needs to control the situation. I believe people can change but if this phrase is used more often than not, guys, it ain't happening. But sadly, you stay because you I want this to work. You don't want to abandon them and you tell yourself that if you love and support them, change will happen.
2) Profuse apologies and gift giving- You confuse the "I'm sorries" for "I love yous" and gift giving for "this is how much you mean to me." Oh if I could have a quarter for every "I'm sorry" I've heard, I'd be a billionaire. For a minute there, you feel loved and worthy but what you have to remember is who's it coming from? Those apologies and gifts are from the exact same person that caused you the pain.
3) You return...- You fight, you leave, you return. Rinse and repeat. You feel lost and empty whenever you try to leave this relationship so you come back to it...When you're the victim of abuse or trauma bond you desire love and affection so much that sometimes the only person that can fulfill that need is your abuser. When you're in a relationship where your abuser will starve you or give minimal amounts of love, affection and support, you tend to be ok with what professionals call "crumbs of love." Abusers use this tactic to keep you hooked and or addicted.
4) Ignore red flags- We've all done this in the past because we want to "make it work" or they "have potential." Or maybe you think your love will help them change their ways. Red flags come in all shapes and sizes but always with the same color-RED! But narcissists are smart, they don't just throw huge red flags at you, they start small. Recognizing how certain things make you feel will be imperative with the outcome. When they be-little you, don't make excuses and stop saying BUT...you know what I'm talking about. But this, but that. There are NO EXCUSES for any kind of abuse. Most importantly, stop thinking about all the good times you had together, that confuses your brain, it holds on to that memory so you stay because there's hope that one day you'll have that again.
5) Compromise yourself to please- I don't really know how toxic people are able to master this skill so well. They've learned how to manipulate each situation that you yourself will apologize to them after an altercation. They will destroy every ounce of love and integrity you have for yourself and make it look like you did it to yourself. You'll ask them what you can do to make it better...So now your brain has been conditioned to self sabotage, you've programmed it to harm yourself. You start to feel helpless and your self worth diminishes. Constantly asking for love from the wrong person will have you lowering your standards and begging the one person that brings you all this pain for their love and approval. When it's not recieved you will feel like you're not good enough even for this piece of shit, so you stay...
If any of these resonated with you, you most likely have been in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship. You can and should break free from it before it's too late. I know it's scary and you're afraid what people will think. Just know you will heal and get through this when you start accepting that you and your relationship isn't perfect. The first thing I tell my clients and friends is to TELL SOMEONE, anyone. Keep a journal of every altercation. When you start to question why you're leaving, re-read what you wrote. I promise you, it will be scary but it will push you out the door. Lastly, and this will be the hardest part of breaking free, you have to make a promise to yourself that you WILL NOT contact them. Your mind, body and soul will go through a grieving process. It will be sad, lonely and painful. Your stomach will be in knots most days and you'll probably pick up the phone to text or call them but for the love of yourself, before anyone else, choose YOU.
Remember, these are just a few that I've seen, heard and of course have experienced myself. There's hope for a life without abuse, trauma bond, fear and confusion. One day, you will have a life of love, freedom, laughter and peace. Please reach out if you need to talk <3
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